Santa DA Danka

Santa asks: Who r u?

Wife: How dare u forget ur wife?

Santa: Nasha har gam ko bhula deta hai
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Santa was busy in removing a wheel from auto, 

Banta asks: Y r u removing a wheel from ur auto?

Santa: Can't u read 'Parking for two wheelers only'
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Santa: Doctor, ye phulon ki mala kis ke liye?

Doctor: Ye mera pehla operation hai, success hua to mere liye, nahi to tumhare liye.
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Santa: Doc Saab, mein Chashma laga ke pad to sakoonga?

Doc: Haan, bilkul.

Santa: To phir theek hai doc Saab varna Anpad aadmi ki zindagi bhi koi zindagi hai.
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Santa: Raat film main ek chudail kabhi mere aage, khabhi mere peechhe ghoom rahi thi...

Jeeto: Koun is film thi ?

Santa: Apni shaadi ki movie thi !
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Santa joined NASA. After one month the Americans had to change the name from NASA to SATYANASA
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Santa apni girl friend ko I Luv U kehta hai aur gir jata hai.

Gal: Yeh kya kar rahe ho?

Santa: I'm falling in love.
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Banta: Yeh chaaku kyon ubaal rahe ho?

Santa: Suicide karne ke liye

Banta: To phir ubalne kui kya zaroorat hai?

Santa: Kahin infection na ho jaaye
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Santa: Today is Sunday & I wanna njoy, so I bought 3 movie tickets

Jeeto: Why 3?

Santa: For you and your parents
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Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.

Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.
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Lady Doc: Tum roz subah clinic ke bahar khade ho kar auraton ko kyon ghoorte ho?

Santa: Ji aap hi NE bahar likha hai: Auraton ko dekhne ka samay 9am-11am
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A man to Santa: Aao ji chess khelein

Santa: Tu chal mein sports shoes pehen kar aaya.
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At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!

Santa: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?
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In an interview,

Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?

Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr.....

Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.

Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...
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Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night. He got irritated...

Drank poison & said,

Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!
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Captain of Military: Naujawanon aage bado Santa aage nahin bada

Captain: Tum aage kyun nahin bade?

Santa: Apne kaha 9 jawanon aage bado, mein 10ve number pe tha
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Banta: Yaar teri wife ki maut ka bara afsos hua, vaise hua kya tha?

Santa: Goli lagi thi mathe main.

Banta: Waheguru ji ka shukar kar ke aankh Bach gayi.
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Santa apni khoobsurat Bibi k saath car mein baitha. Driver NE sheesha set kiya.

Santa gusse mein bola, meri bibi ko dekhkta hai, piche baith, car mein chalaoonga!
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Santa: tainu Sunny Deol DA phone no pata hai...?

Banta: Nahin, kyon ki Hoya?

Santa: Yaaar asi Nalka patauna is.
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Banta: U cheated me.

Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.

Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all India Radio!
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Sadhu: Bachcha teri biwi ko chuddail chipak gayee hai. Upaaye karvaao.

Banta: Upayaye? Baba, agar do behenein gale mil rahi hain to is mein harz hi kya hai ?
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Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?

Santa: Tipu's skeleton.

Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it?

Santa: That was Tipu's skeleton when he was child
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Napoleon: There is no such word as 'Impossible' in my dictionary.

Santa: To dictionary dekh kar kharidni thi ...!
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Santa: Agar tumhe kuch ho gaya to mein Pagal ho jaaunga.

Jeeto: Doosri shaadi to nahin karogey?

Santa: Pagal ka kya hai, kuch bhi kar sakta hai
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Banta: Yeh AUTOMATICALLY kya hota hai?

Santa: Oye tujhe yeh bhi nahin pata, Jab auto mein koi ganji ladki ja rahi ho to use kehte hain AUTO-ME-TAKLI
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Santa was riding on a horse. He jumped the red light & a cop whistles.

Santa lifts the tail of horse & says: 'Le Karle Number Note'
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Banta: Oye, TU to Doctor ke paas jaane waala tha, kya hua?

Santa: Yaar kal jaaonga, aaj thodi tabiyat kharab hai.
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Santa: Itne kam marks? Do thappad marne chahiye.

Pappu: Haan papa, chalo maine us saale master ka ghar bhi dekh rakha hai.
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Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call.

Santa: Who r u? Girl: Seeta here.

Santa: Maine to Chandigarh phone kiya tha, yeh to Ayodhya mil gaya
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Santa went to battery shop n asked to change battery.

The shopkeeper asked: Exide laga du?

Santa: Dusri side tera baap lagayega kya?
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Q: Why did Santa take his pregnant wife Jeeto to Pizza Hut? A:

Because they advertised: 'Free Delivery'

********************************** Read More!

Learn to Shut up!

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate down sizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly$1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million.

She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the results of her savings and investments.

The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have had sex only with you.'

That's when she shot him.

You know, that's what happens when you don't know when to keep your mouth shut...!!! Read More!

Sardar on the plane

Santa Singh gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. He has never been on an airplane anywhere and gets excited and tense. As soon as he boards the plane, a Boeing 747, he started jumping in excitement, running from seat to seat and shouting, 'BOEING!BOEING! ! BOEING!!! BO....'.


The pilot in the cockpit hears the noise and annoyed by what's goings on, he comes out and shouts, 'BE SILENT!'


There's pin-drop silence every where and everybody looks Santa. He stares at the pilot in silence for a few seconds and then starts shouting, 'OEING ! OEING!! OEING!!!OE.. .'. Read More!

CYCLONE

A cyclone hit a Kansas farmhouse just before dawn one morning.

It tore off the roof, and picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept were sleeping. By some miracle, the cyclone set them down unharmed the next county over.

The wife was sobbing uncontrollably.

"Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said.
"We're not hurt."

Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared,"

She said between sobs. "I'm happy... This is the first time in 14 years we've been out together." Read More!

just u decide

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well a s she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.



The doctor told him there is a simple test the he could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 Feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"



No response. So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.



So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"




"Good Lord, Ralph, are you deaf? I said for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN !"

Read More!

dog

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone...


"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.


Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.


The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back ... "Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog." Read More!

The Irish

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box ."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that, You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

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There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said,

"Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. ONE day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists d o wn the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

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An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins? "

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Read More!

Daddy's scribbles

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all themoney!" Read More!

Which Shaving Cream Do U Use

Sales man : Sir, which shaving cream do u use ?

Customer : Kumar’s.

S.M : Which after shave do y use ?

C : Kumar’s.

S.M : Which tooth paste do u use ?

C : Kumar’s ?

S.M : Which shampoo do u use ?

C : Kumar’s.

S.M : Sir , what is this kumar’s is

It an international company ?

C : No, he is my room mate.

All flowers don't represent love but rose did it.

All animals cannot speak but parrot did it.

All donkeys cannot read but u did it!

Ur Tarriff plan has changed!

Now make calls acc. To d size of ur Brain.

D smaller d brain, d cheaper will b d calls.

Don't worry yaar, u can make free calls!!

Easy to say - Difficult to stay..

Beautiful to feel - Difficult to deal...

Difficulty is a part of Life...

But That's the reason...

Why Girlfriend is never a wife?

Q:) Why do Gods stay up in heaven?

A:) Because they are afraid of what they have created!

Read More!

HAPPY COUPLE

Once upon a time a couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret.

Editor: "Sir. It's unbelievable. How did you make this possible?" Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "We had our honeymoon after marriage. we selected the horse riding, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.

On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time". She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead!!

I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?".

She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!".

Husband: "That's it. I understood her, I accepted her as it is, and hence we are happy ever after. "

One of the Secrets to become Happy is:

"ACCEPT THE PERSON AS IT IS" Read More!

A young peasant girl

A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice.

The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office, "But why?" he asked.

"Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly.

"Look, I'll give you a raise."

"No," she said

"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."

"Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't had this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..."

Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, "Ha ha...my dear it's nature. Look I have it too...."

"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well." Read More!

Confession

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly , sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet , not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says , "Dark in here."

The man says , "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No , thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK , how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks , it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover , remembering the last time , asks the boy , "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later , the father says to the boy , "Grab your gloves , let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says , "I can't , I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks , "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says , "$500"

The father says , "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.

I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says , "Dark in here."
The priest says , "Don't start that shit again , you're in my closet now.

*******

Read More!

Fishing

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.


There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.


I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."


She sleepily replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that s#!t." Read More!

Trading Place

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church.

One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation.

He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.

The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you."

The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you."

Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"

Again, the reply was, "I can't hear you."

The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."

So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"

To which the priest replied, "By golly, you're right, you can't hear in here" Read More!

Christmas shopping

It was nearly Christmas and Judge Judy was in a happy mood. She asked the defendant, "What are you being prosecuted for?"


"Doing my Christmas shopping too early," replied the defendant.


"That's not a crime," replied Judge Judy.


"How early were you doing you Christmas shopping?"


"Before the store opened," replied the defendant!

Read More!

Navy man and Army man

A Navy man and an Army man are driving opposite directions on a curvy mountain road. The army man hits a patch of sand, swerves, and nails the Navy man's truck. They both exit their cars with no injuries, but their vehicles are ruined.

Now, the rivalry between Army and Navy is well known, so needless to say a heated argument followed. Then suddenly the Navy man changed heart and said, "Hold on, this is dumb. It was an accident. Let's put this rivalry behind us."

The Army man agreed this was a good idea. So the Navy man offered, "Why don't we celebrate our new friendship over a fifth of vodka? I have a bottle in the truck."

The Army man thought this was an excellent idea. So the Navy man, being a gentleman, offered the Army man the first drink, and told the Army man to drink as much as he wanted. Soon half the bottle was gone and he offered the bottle back to the Navy man who said, "Thanks, but I'll wait till after the cops get here!"

****** Read More!

Blood Business

A Lalloobhai Bihari needed a heart transplant.


A lots of blood was required in case of emergency need of his rare type of blood. This blood was nowhere to be found.


Finally, a Makhichus Marwari with matching blood came forward from Marwar, for this price-less gift to others and next life punya merit it brought for free, to Patna for this free trip at Bihari's expense.

Surgery was accomplished with success. Bihari sent a thank you note, a beautiful car, a diamond ring, and tons of political money to the Marwari for his sense of philanthropy.


Soon in a few months need to attend to Bihari's heart again became necessary.


Marwari was called upon from Rajasthan to Jharkhand at his own expense.


He came flying, stayed like king, gave the blood again and left.


Bihari was cured, sent a simple "Thank you and may God bless you" note.


Marwari was furious


Came running on his feet from one end of the country to the other, loosing half his weight, for his just reward in this life, demanded an explanation why it was such a miserly sense of gratitude from this world famous filthy rich political Bihari now.


Bihari calmly explained, "Ha Bhaia, what I do? I now have Marwari blood in me, remember, you are the one who gave it to me?"


*******

Read More!

Birthday gift

The wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband:


Knowing her birthday was coming up shortly, she said to her husband...


'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said.

'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'


Happy and excited she was counting down the days to her birthday.


And on the day she finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully bought....

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Scroll Down……

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 A Weight Machine

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The poor guy is dead today, and his wife's in jail for murder !


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King of the jungle

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,



"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"




The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!




Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,



"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"




The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"




On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,



"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"




Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.


The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.




The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -



"Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"


********* Read More!

Circuit and Englishman

Circuit takes a flight to Singapore and he is seated next to an Englishman. Circuit open his tiffin and serves himself a roti.

ENGLISHMAN : What is this?
CIRCUIT : Bread India

Circuit then opens the box of jalebi.

ENGLISHMAN : What is this?
CIRCUIT : Sweet India

With all the food he hogged on, Circuit lets out a huge fart!
The Englishman is offended and in shock asks...

ENGLISHMAN : What was that?
CIRCUIT : Air India Read More!